ABCs of Attachment — A is for Attunement

Attunement: When we are in “attunement” with another, we are able to maintain our own self-regulation while meeting the other emotionally and empathically. An attuned parent is able to set aside their own worries about what others might think of them, or even what they may think of themselves, and be fully available to their child’s experience in the moment. Attuned parents are curious, non-judgmental, and open to learning more about their child’s perceptions, beliefs, and reactions. They have no agenda other than to help their child achieve self-regulation. A child perceives his parent’s attunement as validating and feeling understood. Both go a long way toward helping a child self-regulate. Many parents have never experienced attunement with their own parents and are not really sure how to do it. Not to worry! It’s never too late to begin learning how to help your child, and in many ways, learn to help your own inner child. Here’s an example of an attuned response vs. a mis-attuned response to a typical situation: A 14-year-old comes home, throws her backpack on the floor, storms into her room and slams the door. The mis-attuned parent sees this as disrespectful, intolerable, and rude. The parent thinks they must teach their daughter to behave in a more acceptable manner and begins to think of consequences for her (e.g., take away her phone, ground her, give her extra chores, or just yell at her). The attuned parent wonders, What is going on with her? She seems really upset. [NOTE: The attuned parent does not take the child’s behaviors personally!] This parent knocks on her door and says (something along these lines), “Hey, that was a really big reaction! Are you OK? Something must have happened to upset you and I’d like to help if I can. I’m here to talk when you’re ready.” Once the child is ready to talk, the attuned parent listens with empathy and without judgment, asks questions without agenda, and the child calms down after feeling validated. It is only after self-regulation has occurred that the attuned parent might add (something along these lines): “You know, you can come to me and talk the next time something like this happens. There is no need to slam doors or throw things. If you are having a bad moment, please, come to me and let’s talk like we are now.”